Archive for the ‘LOL With Geno’ Category

 

 

 

I grew up as a child actor. Which means through Junior High and High School I was in a

couple of terrible TV shows, I did a slew of stupid commercials, and a couple of years

out of High School I actually co starred in a movie that won an award for the Second

Worst Movie of 1984 only next to a movie called the Baby Eaters.

Now if you want to rent Hard Rock Zombies, I promise in the first 10 minutes you’ll hear

the most horrific writing, the worst music and without a doubt you’ll witness the most

pathetic attempts at acting ever caught on film. I could go on and on about the depths of

my acting prowess and achievements but I’m here to try and make a point.

One Friday afternoon at 3:00 o’clock my agent called me and said I had a commercial

interview for a product called “Yahoo Chicken” She said to dress Westerny so I slipped

on my red checked shirt, buttoned up my 501’s, and sauntered my way into 405 traffic

headed to Lankershim near Universal Studios. After nearly two hours of bumper to

bumper madness I arrived ready to say my line!

They ushered five of us young guys into a room where we’re standing in a row, in front

of the producers and a video camera ready for our big chance. Now the guy standing

next to me is a kid named Billy Bob Scenesteeler or something like that. The guy’s not

just dressed westerny… he’s got on chaps, a holster, guns, spurs a ten gallon hat, I

wouldn’t have been surprised if the guy had cantered in on a horse.

Anyway, they point the camera at him and ask him, “What’s your name” He says “I’m

Billy Bob Scenesteeler”. They say, “What agency are you with?” He says, “Pucker Up &

Butkiss” then they say, “Well, Billy Bob, if you could only have one food for the rest of

your life, what would it be?” He says, “That’s easy, it’d be Yahoo Chicken!” And then he

yelled out a bold and hearty, “YAHOO!!!” And that was the line. He said it.

Enthusiastically.

They said thank you, and they panned the camera over to me for my turn.

“What’s your name?” I said, “Geno Andrews.” “Who’s your agent?” I said Blah Blah

Blah, then they said, “If you were stranded on a desert island and could only have one

food for the rest of your life, what would it be?”

And before I could answer, Billy Bob steps into my frame, looks right into the camera

and says, “I’ll tell you what’d be, it’d be Yahoo Chicken, YAHOO!!!!”

I was flabbergasted. Dumbfounded. In that moment, what I call the ‘Yahoo’ moment, I

realized something — I don’t want it this bad. I’m not willing to make a Yahoo of myself

to get ahead in my career.

I never saw the commercial. But for years I’ve been tormented by the thought that

maybe Billy Bob booked. Maybe he got it cause he wanted it that bad. Like the people

that come here on the Amtrack from the mid west, grab a map to the stars homes, just

so they can go wake up Robert Dinero and ask him to be in his next movie.

I mean there are channels. If you’re in this business there are certain rules. There are

proper chains of command. Producer, below that is the Director, below that is the Actor,

below that is the crew, below that is the PA and somewhere below that is the writer.

Yahoos will not be tolerated, right?

Well I’ve written a number of screenplays. And I’ve got a comedy now that I think would

be perfect for Happy Maddison Productions. Which is Adam Sandler’s company. Now I

don’t know Adam Sandler, and unless he’s a cult fan of Hard Rock Zombies he probably

doesn’t know who I am either.

But one night, a little while back, my cousin was in town with his wife and kids and we

were all hanging out at a little park in Malibu. Just his family and mine, pitch dark, no

one else around and as we were getting ready to leave, who shows up to the park with

his toddler but Adam Sandler. He’s with Collin Hanks and some other guy I didn’t

recognize. Could have been the writer of Hard Rock Zombies… but there it was… an

opportunity. And I’m thinking to myself, Proper Channels? Or Yahoo Moment?

So under my breath, but loud enough so Sandler could hear it I said, “There goes the

neighborhood…” To which he chuckled and made some witty banter back to which I

said, “You know there’s another park like 6 blocks away if you’re looking for privacy.”

So as we’re laughing and scooping up our tired kids I come to the conclusion that if I’m

going to pitch Sandler this comedy, it’s not going to be in a Malibu sandbox with tired

kids who are currently an hour past their bed times. But maybe I should have…

They say the early bird catches the worm, but there’s a fine line between being overtly

opportunistic and being an unprofessional Yahoo.

Which reminds me of a joke…

This guys gets onto an elevator and stands next to this woman. He turns to her and

says, “Can I smell your pussy?” She says, “No you can not!” He says, “Oh… it must be

your feet.”



http://lolwithgeno.com/

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/laughing-out-loud/id368096407

 

Every morning when I drive to work Iʼm reminded of how fortunate I am. I get to drive a couple of miles of the prettiest area of Southern California that Iʼve ever seen. Itʼs Malibu Canyon Road. It connects the 101 freeway in the valley of Los Angeles to the Pacific Coast Highway right at the base of Pepperdine University.On any given day Iʼll see streams of sunlight blazing through the early morning clouds where they bounce around the canyon lighting up the sparkling wet neon green hills like a Thomas Kinkade painting. Or other times this ominous fog rolls in, eerie and alive like something out of a Stephen King novel. This of course refers to a day when the canyon isnʼt on fire, or flooded with rockslides and roadside construction, or earthquake damage or locusts or the plagues of the Pharaohs… all of which we welcome here in LA in contrast to the plagues, other States deal with on a regular basis.ʼre taking your life in your hands…” To which he calmly said, “Iʼd rather be sifting through the rubble in my board shorts than spend one more winter in Chicago!”

I remember of friend of mine moved out here from Chicago the week of the ’94 earthquake. And his friends rang him up and said, “What are you crazy moving out there? I mean that earthquake was insane, you

My point being, thereʼs always a perspective we can take that should put a smile on our faces. I canʼt believe that some people can wake up, and when just a couple of things go wrong theyʼve got this permanent frown plastered on their faces for the whole day.ʼs got this whacky smile on his face.

I think about someone like Christopher Reeve. By the time he was my age, he was paralyzed from the neck down and sucking wind through a hose. And every single picture you see of him he

I mean if anybody had the right to be angry and bitter about their circumstances, it would be this guy.ʼs no excuse for the frowns and negativity we carry around with us.Barbara De Angelis wrote:

 

“The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of

loving in the present”…. which reminds me of a joke.

A man and wife in their 50’s are sitting at a table in a very upscale restaurant. Her hair is

done immaculately, as well as her nails and she’s wearing thousands of dollars worth of

jewelry. He’s wearing a very expensive suit, but as they’re eating they’re not even

looking at each other much less communicating. After a moment a very attractive young

blond walks up to the table and says, “Hello George.”

As she walks away the wife looks up and asks, “Who was that?” The man shrugs and

says, “No one.” The wife begins to press him and says, “I demand to know who that was

now you tell me right this minute.” He tosses his napkin on the table and says, “Well if

you must know that happens to be my mistress.”

The woman becomes totally indignant and begins ranting about divorce, and attorney’s

fees and he cuts her off and says, “You’ll get nothing. You’ll lose the house in the

Hamptons, you’ll lose the summer cottage, you’ll lose your privileges at the club, you’ll

lose the car, the yacht, believe me you’ll wind up with nothing!”

She’s completely silenced at this point and while she’s starring down at her plate

another gorgeous woman comes up to the table and says, “Hello George.” And walks

away.

The wife slowly lifts her eyes to her husband and says, “Who was that?” He says, “Well

if you must know that happens to be Steve’s mistress.” She thinks about it for a second and says, “Ours is prettier.”

But countermining those negative things with gratitude for what we do have, in my opinion, is a way to almost instantly replace a frown with a smile. To be thankful for our kids, our parents, our friends, or even a beautiful drive to work… there

I was on my way to my daughterʼs 4th birthday party. I had a mini van full of stuff, balloons, presents, all in addition to the normal stuff that piles up in a mini van. As a matter of fact I think that when the Dealer sells you a mini van they should just put a bunch crap in to give you a head start.

Anyway – on the passenger seat I had her birthday cake. It was precariously placed in such a way that if I went too fast the cake would slide back, or if I stopped too abruptly it would slam into the dash board. As a  result I found myself driving so cautiously that I reminded myself of one of the annoying old people I have a tendency to get impatient with when I ʼm stuck behind them. As a matter of fact, if any anyone would have honked their horn, or screamed obscenities at me I would have been in total agreement with them.

But in regards to patience, that day gave me an interesting tool. Whenever Iʼm stuck behind some person driving so slow and so holding me up from where I want to get to that I want to climb out of my skin and strangle them, I try to imagine them driving with their daughterʼs birthday cake placed ever so precariously on the seat next to them, and when I get that picture in my mind it almost always helps me readjust my thinking.

Jacob M. Braude said, “Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand

what little chance you have in trying to change others.”   Which reminds me of a joke. 

A very wealthy woman comes home from a long journey. Her town car pulls up into the circular driveway in front of her estate. She gets out of the car and goes to the gardener, trimming the hedges, and says, “Rafael, meet me in my bedroom.”

Moments later he shows up and she says, “Rafael, Take off my blouse.” He says, “Madam I beg please don’t make me do this.” She says, “Rafael, do as I say.” And he takes off her blouse. She says, “Rafael, take off my skirt.” He says, “Madam I beg of you please don’t make me do this.” She says, “Rafael, do as I say.” And he takes of her skirt. She says, “Rafael, take off my brassier.” He says, “Madam I beg of you please don’t make me do this.” She says “Rafael, do as I say.” And he takes of her brassier. She says, “Rafael, take off my little panties.” He says, “Madam I beg of you, please, PLEASE don’t make me do this.” She says, “Rafael, DO AS I SAY!” And her panties fall to the floor. She says, “Rafael, don’t ever wear my clothes again.”

LOL WITH GENO

LOL With Geno — “Free Man”

Posted: February 17, 2011 in Funny, LOL With Geno
Tags: , ,

This new addition to our blog comes from our buddy Geno Andrews with his weekly comedy sketch LOL With Geno, please continue to support us by also visiting his website and by downloading his podcast. 

 

Years ago when I was in my twenties I was invited to go on a river rafting trip in Colorado. Just me and sixteen lesbians. Thatʼs funny, but itʼs no joke. A good friend of mine had come out of that lifestyle but still remained incredibly close with these gals. Every year they take this trip, and to my knowledge Iʼm the only man who was ever invited. My friend said, “Oh you guys will love Geno, heʼs great, heʼs funny and heʼll really fit in.” I was honored to find out that I was voted on the island, but to this day Iʼm still flummoxed by what she meant by ʻheʼll really fit inʼ.

Never the less, there we all were one night, by the campfire, sitting around drinking and partying and I started telling jokes. I don’t know if it was the crispness of the Colorado But more than just a joke, Iʼll share with you a quote that I think is cool, or a story that Iʼve heard, and hopefully give you a reason to keep coming back for more of my two cents, a weekly joke and a bit of laughing out loud in this seriously comic world we live in.

When I got home I actually grabbed this little black calendar book and wrote down eighty punch lines. Since then Iʼve probably added another forty or fifty.Over the years Iʼve flipped through this book from time to time to keep the punch lines fresh in my mind. If you know me, you know that quite often Iʼll hear a story and Iʼll say, “Which reminds me of a joke.” And the truth is, now that Iʼm starting this little series, itʼs my intention to bring you a new joke, once a week, that will have you laughing out loud, or at the very least should put a smile on your face for the week. Now hereʼs fair warning, not every one of these jokes is totally clean, or even politically correct. But as I was growing up most of the fun I had involved getting a little dirty.
But more than just a joke, Iʼll share with you a quote that I think is cool, or a story that Iʼve heard, and hopefully give you a reason to keep coming back for more of my two cents, a weekly joke and a bit of laughing out loud in this seriously comic world we live in. 

This woman wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over to find her husband isnʼt in the bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs and finds him sitting at the kitchen table, staring at a calendar on the wall. “Honey, are you alright?” she says. He kind of snaps out of a trance and says, “Yeah, yeah.” He said, “Do you remember when we first started dating?” She smiled and said, “Yes of course.” He said, “Do you remember the first time your dad walked in on us when we were doing it?” She smiled a bit embarrassingly and said, “Yes.” He said, “Did I ever tell you what he said to me?” She said, “No. What did he say?” He said, “Son, you have two choices. Either you marry my daughter, or you go to prison for the next twenty years!” She thought about it and said, “And so?” He stared back at the calendar on the wall and said, “Iʼd have gotten out today…” 

One of my favorite quotes these days was a comment made by Henry Ford. He said, “The man who stops advertising to savemoney, is like the man who stops a clock to save time.” Advertising is expensive, and sometimes weʼre forced to cut back. Butdonʼt let that be an excuse to stop promoting yourself. Weʼre all doing life, and thereʼs no time-outs. Time marches on and if you want to impact the world around you, you have to keep up with it, the world needs to know youʼre there. Which reminds me of a joke…

You can find more from Geno at:

http://www.lolwithgeno.com/

and on iTunes at:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/laughing-out-loud/id368096407